Walking Down The Road – Ted Chippington

I was walking down the road the other day and this bloke comes up to me and asks, “How far to the train station?”

“ONE MILE,” I said in a husky voice.

“ONE MILE?” he said, imitating my voice.

“Aye, ONE MILE,” I repeated, deep and throaty – “Roughly speaking.”

Original below, by Ted Chippington, whose act Stewart Lee describes as “a mixture of surrealism and insolent provocation and uncompromising boredom.”

Brexit jokes

One benefit of Brexit – new jokes can be created by mildly editing old Soviet jokes. Potential examples:


A man walks into a shop. He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any tomatoes?” The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any toilet paper. The shop that doesn’t have any tomatoes is across the street.”


Q: Which is more useful – a newspaper or an iPhone?

A: A newspaper, of course; you can’t wipe your ass with an iPhone.


Two prisoners are comparing notes. “What did they arrest you for?” asks the first. “A political crime, of course. I’m a plumber. They summoned me to Downing Street to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, ‘Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.’ So they gave me 7 years.”


A man came in a panic to MI5 HQ, Thames House. “My talking parrot has disappeared,” he said. “That’s not the kind of case we handle. Go to the police.” “My apologies, of course I know that I must go to them. I am just here to tell you officially that I disagree with the parrot.”


Boris Johnson loses his favourite model bus, which he constructed out of wooden wine boxes.

A few days later, Priti Patel sends him a WhatsApp.

“Have you found that bus yet?”

“Yes,” he replies. “I found it at a lover’s flat.”

“Impossible!” exclaims Patel. “Three people have already confessed to stealing it!”


“Thames House (MI5 headquarters) is the tallest building in London. You can see Guantánamo Bay from its basement.”


Why do Boris Johnson’s advisors work in groups of three?

You need one who understands what a percentage is, one who can write slogans for the side of buses, and a third to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.


Radio London was asked: “When will life be better in the UK?”

Radio London answered: “In the UK, life already has been better.”


It’s 2022; Boris Johnson and Priti Patel are celebrating the anniversary of Glorious Sovereign Brexit.

Patel: “What do you do for fun these days?”

Johnson: “I collect all the jokes about me.”

Patel: “We have almost the same hobby! I collect all those who tell jokes about you.”


A senior government advisor WhatsApps Kuenssberg and Peston:

“I would just like to correct one of the Brexit jokes circulating on social media implying that Her Majesty’s Government sends dissidents into exile. This is patently untrue. The UK uses extraordinary rendition.”


Q. How do all political jokes start in Brexit UK?

A. By looking over your shoulder.


Q. What is 150 yards long and eats beetroot?

A. A queue of Brexit Brits waiting to buy bread.